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Thursday, August 11, 2005

THE CONCISE HISTORY OF ::JUSTDonal::

In the beginning

It all began with one man (well that's debatable really) but one person at any rate, Donal and his dream to become an internet/playboy tycoon. The first I heard of the website was when he was using it to allow people the opportunity to choose his outfits for him. Very little attention was gathered in the early days, but Donal was busy working away at getting financial backing to expand his website.

In January he secured a loan of an undisclosed amount from the Royal Bank of Scotland and also 17.5 million from Nat West, and a further 5 million sponsorship deal from Vodafone Ireland. The time was right to expand, this is when he purchased the stunning ::JUSTDonal:: towers a marvelous 37 story building in downtown Howth. He realized that he needed help to run it for two reasons.

1. 37 story buildings get very lonely not to mention difficult to Hoover when it's just you, and

2. What with being a key witness in the Michael Jackson trial he would be press gagged for several months.

Help was at hand and the three funniest men alive ever stepped up to the plate.

Enter Columnists

Unfortunately Conan O'Brien, Billy Connelly, and Dylan Moran, were not as keen on working for free as me Paul and Fergus and so we got the jobs. Along with a group of writers who quit successful sit coms to go it alone and quickly regretted it we sat down with our teams to create our characters. Fergus became Baron Von ravishing a reclusive figure with a tupparware addiction, so reclusive infact that he was very rarely seen by ::JUSTDonal:: staff or fans alike.

Paul became Viva La Pablo a lovable little scamp who made, a living out of a mix of cheap insider jokes funny, or should I say amusing to only a select few, and insults stolen from obscure US comedians. (I love you really, friendly rivalry comrade, friendly)

I became BASICALLY BRIAN which was basically me (no pun intended) and my musings on life in general. We (me and Joey Jo Jo my chief character development officer) thought the name BASICALLY BRIAN was an ironic slag of ::JUSTDonal:: unfortunately nobody else did, and now it's just sad.

So in the last week of January the first columns were born. Then for a long time nothing of any interest happened. Me and Paul posted once a week, Fergus whenever he got round to it. HE does after all have more friends than me or Paul (put together seeing as in general they're the same friends). People visited the site in their droves then a little less then a little less until it was down to about 12 hits a day, most of which was me checking the hits.

But what next?

We had a crisis meeting (which is a meeting called by our marketing chief Crisis, a cute little hippy lass from Pennsylvania). And Donal agreed to relinquish some powers we could now post with out the censorship team he employed on floor 31 having their paws on it, and we were encouraged to post more often. Donal some how got away with not having to do any posts. Good did come out of it though as floor 31 was dedicated to Alcastar rehearsals, which was an Alcazar tribute band, and all of a sudden we were getting fan mail in rainbow colored envelopes from europop fans all over nashville road.

Changing faces

In March we had the tragic death of the Baron, he had not been seen for weeks and we figured that he had finally succum to his unfortunate tupparware addiction. In fact Fergus was on a months college thing and Donal just sacked him for no real reason.

Following this the search for his replacement was on. Jonathon was brought on board, and given a key to the executive washroom, which by the way last week had a eurovison pin ball machine put in. His Strictly Jonathan name further ruined the irony of my own name. Jonathan's column caters primarily to his own friends and so the problem still remained as to who to replace the Baron.

Our prayers were answered, with the mysterious shady character THE WRITER. To this date we don't know who it is, although recent US press reports suggest it might by part of a pay deal for JD who testified that while sleeping in Michael Jackson's bed that Jacko's hot pants were kept at a moderate temperature. I still think it's Fergus, or Paul. How and Ever it was a big let down and he only posted twice before disappearing.

The Election

Then Donal had truly awful idea. Lets have an election. It was declared between Eoin a friend of mine and Paul's since the 80's, and Carly. Well the lines were clearly drawn myself and Paul supported Eoin, Jonathan and the 'impartial' Donal CArly. I am currently legally unable to discuss the discrepancies in certain voting figures. To drill up support the three of us on team Eoin held secret daily meetings to discuss strategy. How could they be secret on floor 2 of ::JUSTDonal:: towers? Simple we held behind a door marked "Beware of the Rock Music." Eoin qon the election but it was declared null and void incensing dozens of my stealth election team which I had working gain votes from everyone they had ever meet.

Messy business and myself and Paul very nearly quit. After buying us big cakes, a La Coste jumper and, and Jag x type we agreed to stay.

And now...

Then all of a sudden Donal is in training, Jonathan vanished off the face of the earth. Me and Paul had a lot of work to save the site. We held a crisis meeting (good old crisis where would be with out her) and then Brutis a dumb man (and by that I mean he cant speak) while gazing out of the top floor of ::JUSTDonal:: towers mustered up all his strength and spoke, just two words, but two crucial words. "Daily Posts" and since then that is exactly what we have done.